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intenSati Warrior Challenge: Day 8 (the battle for everything)

I'm having a war with myself at 6:30 a.m. in the intenSati class I'm taking on Mondays at Columbus Circle. After having experienced this frustration in this particular class twice, I've figured out what the issue is.  It's not the instructor.  It's not even the ridiculous hour of the day.  It's the affirmations that she's using for her series.  "I'm ready...I am worth it...I am happy...I deserve it ...I am brilliant...I feel great...I am divine..."  It seems harmless enough, right, so why does it burn like napalm?  (And if it burns, does that mean it's working?)

Having worked with affirmations before (thank you, Julia Cameron), I've learned by now that the affirmations that I recoil from most are probably the ones I could stand to use. "I am [great]" is difficult for me.  I am my own worst critic.  Embracing my wonderfulness in the present moment is not easy. "I strive to be"...now, that's something I can get behind (I am free to focus on the love I have to give...I will embrace the challenge...I will stand the test; I will lay my fears to rest).  These are action steps, not passive acceptance of myself as I am.  I don't sit still well.  I don't know how to look in the mirror and say to myself, "High five, baby!  You're enough.  You're fantastic as you are!  It's okay that your bathroom is a disaster, you're out of clean underwear, have been in a questionable relationship if you can even call it that for the past four years, have fresh produce rotting in the refrigerator and you can't speak a foreign language fluently!  My work is done!" I don't think my work ever will be done, not so long as I walk this planet.  I've got crow's feet forming and shit to do.  My work will end when I'm dead. 

Am I beautiful? Sure. Sometimes. More often, I look like a girl who needs to get her style together, get some sleep, go shopping and get a haircut. Other times, I am quite beautiful on the outside but really not very beautiful on the inside at all.  Am I happy?  Define happiness.  Is it being content?  I don't know that I equate happiness with contentment.  And am I worth it?  Maybe.  Maybe I am worth it, but I wrestle with it.  I wrestle with it every damned day.