Workout
What If I Fail?
- Athens (via Eustquio Santimano)
I've committed to the Athens Classic Marathon. I've told everyone that I'll be running it; and, by extension, that I'll be finishing it. I'm terrified. Every time I go for a run, I can't help but feel the exhaustion in my muscles, the aches that inevitably develop after a long run, and at some point I'll start berating myself: "How the hell are you gonna run 26.2 miles?! You can't even run 5 without complaining! How are you gonna run mile after mile, going uphill? And, you have to do it in less than 6 hours or they take you off the course! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"
What if I don't make it? Even at my regular running pace (around 10-min miles), if I didn't let hills or the length of the course affect my pace, it will take me 4 1/2 hours. For each minute I add to my mile pace, add another 30 minutes to the total goal and soon enough 6 hours is a cut-off I actually have to be afraid of. I can't go to Greece and not finish the race. I can't invest these next months in training and then not finish. I DON'T NOT finish things!
I've been obsesively pouring over training plans, trying to find something that I think will work for me. But, in the course of trying to manipulate the plans into something I can follow closely, I've psyched myself out and I've filled myself with doubt. My runs are not something fun I just do "just because," they have a purpose and to accomplish their goal, there's no flexibility. It's not play anymore, and so, there's little appealing anymore either. How do I get out of this mindset?
Instead of worrying and stressing and being anxious and doubtful, I need to approach this the same way I approach the random new classes I try, the SW challenges, my sessions with Mike: they need to be fun. I need to follow my whims and just do it to do it. Feel like sprinting today? Sprint! Who cares I'm supposed to be doing "hills." In a way, I want to abandon all plans and just kinda keep doing what I'm doing -- regular shorter runs, circuits & weights, the occasional yoga class - and maybe just throw in a long run whenever the mood strikes. Is that even possible? I don't REALLY know what I'm getting myself into with this run, except that I know it'll be hard. So, what do I know about how to properly train? Everyone and their mother tells you to run 4-5 days a week and to increase your mileage by so-many-percent and to do intervals this-many-times-a-week. Shouldn't they have it right?
Killercadoogan thinks I have lots of "skiddledeedoo" (yes, he coined this term last night) in my head, and that I need to calm myself and enjoy the process. He tells me to remember that worst case scenario, if I don't finish the race, I'll still be in Greece with friends and with my dad (who's coming just to cheer me on) and I'll be running a historic part of the world exactly 2500 years after a momentous battle and the first ever marathon run. And it's amazing.
He's right. I just wish it was easier to make myself believe it too.
Yesterday's total:
20 minute walk as part of commute
20 minute walk at lunch
50 minutes walk after work & to gym
15 minutes stretching
15 minutes bike
15 minute walk to park
34 minute run
20 minute walk to gym
20 minute walk home
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Comments
Hugs! You do have a lot of skiddledeedoo.
Submitted by killercadoogan on 07.15.10 at 12:22.
I totally agree with Killer. My 57 year old friend is competing in the NYC triatholong on Sunday. (Last year he was gearing up for it and then got sick so couldn't do it - and it didn't really bum him out too much.) For him, he's really into the process of getting to the Tri - the journey, and using it as a motivator to work out and push himself beyond what he's done -- and to have fun with his workouts and do new things he's never done before. He's not necessarily invested in the outcome, or his time, or any of that (although I know that has become part of it as well - to be top in his age bracket, e.g.). Msh, you always inspire me. Your thoughtfulness and passion about exercise and nutrition, and your honesty and humanity around exercise and nutrition. I wouldn't focus on the actual race. I'd focus on how fun and challenging (and sometimes/often hard) it'll be to get there... (not to mention the adrenaline rush that will help you once you're in it - of running an historic race in an historic place). Go for it... I'll be following you every step of the way!
Submitted by kornflowers on 07.15.10 at 01:03.
Let me just say this: what constitutes failure? You inspire people every day on SW. You lead our collective pack. You train your ass off. Yesterday, you couldn't even walk you were so sore. :) I know that you are made of stronger things than most on both a physical and psychological level, and we haven't even met in person yet.
You can't fail, in other words. Let's say even in the most impossible terms you don't finish the Athens marathon. Or let's say you end up walking, say, half of it. How is this failure? You will still have done something that most of us can only dream about. And no matter what, you will continue to inspire all of us to strive for the highest levels of what we are capable of as individuals. There is nothing you could do in Athens that would change that.
So stop being so hard on yourself, rockstar. :)
Submitted by joesgirl on 07.15.10 at 01:31.
Msh, I had some of the same doubts/thoughts yesterday in Jess' Buff Yoga class when I couldn't do most of the core exercises fully. I was like, If I can't even pull myself up into a sitting positoin how the hell am I gonna pull myself upside down?
I think you're right to follow your intution that you need to make things more fun for yourself. At the very least is anyone going on these long runs with you?I'd do it but you know I don't run hahahahah. CJ can bike next to you tho!
The Marathon is a big goal, but you can do it. And anyway, everyone's right that it doesn't matter how you do it - walking, limping, cartwheeling for 26 miles. The point is that you work to get yourself there and then you do what you can when you're there.
And if I know you, you're going to be all Nervous Nellie and then end up smoking 1/2 the people in the Marathon.
Submitted by vonhottie on 07.15.10 at 02:04.
agree with all the comments.
Submitted by Fraidy on 07.15.10 at 02:22.
you guys are so amazing...thank you sooooo sooooo much for your supportive comments :-)
in my head i know that what you're saying is true...it's just hard to snap out of my mental loop. when i was talking to killercadoogan yesterday, i realized that even though i've reached an athletic ability that i never expected, i still don't have a kind of natural confidence about it. i didn't embrace this side of me until very recently in my life, but since i have i've always had support along the way from trainer mike, from SW peeps, and so forth. this is the first major athletic challenge i'm putting on myself that i will have to do on my own. it's scary.
i think it'll come down to my expecting and embracing the challenge of it and just remember that this is an endeavor much beyond completing the run...even if i didn't finish, it would still be amazing to have been a part of it, and have to make sure that i keep the fun in this whole journey.
thank you again, guys. you're the best!
Submitted by msh258 on 07.15.10 at 03:03.
signing up makes you automatically not fail. skiddledeedoo!
Submitted by sandyliz on 07.15.10 at 03:07.
Good for you for running a marathon! You should check out the book "Running A Marathon for a Non-Runner". It helped me run the NYC Marathon 2 years and transformed me from couch potato into a running lover. Clear, concise, totally doable training plan. The key to running long distances is finding the joy in it. Especially in those last miles, only the joy will carry you through, and when it does, you will discover a strength in yourself you never knew you had. Good luck!!
Submitted by frankwild1 on 07.16.10 at 09:01.
You have already succeeded just by committing to do it, making all the arrangements and booking the tickets. It is the journey, my friend, not the destination - even if that destination is a finish line in Greece. The actual run is merely icing.
But what inspiring icing. =)
Submitted by zuzupetals on 07.16.10 at 11:11.