Women's Health
Summarizer
Cringe-Inducing Cover Lines From This Month's Lady Fitness Mags
My desk is currently piled high with this month's fitness magazines. From the covers of Self, Shape, and Women's Health, I now present to you a few cover lines I glossed over without blinking, until I tried to read them aloud, at which point I suffered pangs of crippling embarrassment. Try it right now. You'll see.
- Sexy Abs & Butt! Tighten Your Tummy and Firm Your Tush (Women's Health)
- Flat-Belly Power Snacks. New & Tasty! (Women's Health)
Caffeinated Wellness
Starbucks Gets Into the Fitness Biz
You know how Starbucks has free internet now? Well, starting this fall their in-store Wifi will feature six online channels: News, Kids, Business & Careers, Entertainment, My Neighborhood and Starbucks, and Wellness. The Wellness content will be brought to you by Rodale, the peeps behind Men's Health and Women's Health. It would not be unreasonable to accordingly fear an onslaught of "wellness" content on advanced kissing and how to be as hot as a vampire. But maybe it'll be better than that. One wellness feature Starbucks/Rodale is promising: A "Run, Ride, and Walk Finder "with geo-targeted maps of more than 300,000 routes that highlight Starbucks stores along the way." As long as you don't actually stop at every Starbucks along the way, could be cool...
Summarizer
September Women's Health: Brooklyn Decker Is Definitely Coming On To Me
My Men's Health and Women's Health magazines both arrived this morning. I got them mixed up because Brooklyn Decker is definitely giving a come hither look on one cover, which I figured just had to be for Men's Health. Nope. It's WH. Apparently, she wants to have sex with me, a heterosexual woman. Which is kind of weirding me out and kind of turning me on. I mean, I'm flattered, Brooklyn. Thank you. Other ladies inside WH are also totally coming on to me. For the "Find a Lighter Fall Fragrance" article, there's a reclining gal in sexy underwear rubbing a perfume bottle cap all over her bosom. Also of note, WH's Sex+Love column for the month is called "Kissing: The Advanced Course," which I thought was a patented Cosmo title, but apparently not. All the "racy" tips after the jump.
More...Undead Fitness
Women's Health July 2010: How To Be As Hot As A Vampire
1) Start with a body that "holds muscle really easily" like Ashley Greene. 2) Do hour-long interval session with squats and planks. 3) Challenge co-stars to squat contests. 4) Additionally, do Pilates and run three to five miles three to five days a week. 5) Listen to Lady Gaga and Lil Wayne on these runs. 6) Eat halibut, chicken, egg whites, and veggies. 7) Go on a "desert road trip" with your hot vampire co-star. 8) Wear a lot of eye makeup in all your roadtrip photos, because you're a vampire, which means you don't sweat even in the desert. 9) Say things like "I like a pretty boy with an edge. Someone who has blue eyes, who has mystery, and who's a little brooding."
Gym Poet
Rage Against David Zinczenko
I'm sure I'm biased by the sheer amount of spam I receive from Rodale publications daily, but I really have a new agenda: Anti-DZ. If you don’t know who David Zinczenko is, I suppose in the simplest of terms he’s the Editor-in-Chief for Men’s Health and Women’s Health, and the face behind Yahoo Health's "Eat This Not That" blog. Which is to say, he's got his well-manicured fingers all over the controls in the engine room of health-media-industrial complex. I simply think of D.Z. as that humorless manipulative bastard who mainly blogs to promote his crappy books. His articles are about as sociable and funny as those cardboard posters some bums hold up that read: "Not Gonna Lie Need $$$ for Beer."
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June's Women's Health: Beware, Firing Ranges Can Lead to Swollen Gums
The pool is your ticket to a hot body. The sun doesn't love you back. Coffee can help ward off exercise-induced asthma. High-altitudes can reduce your feelings of hunger. Onion extract reduces stretch marks. Lea Michele from Glee goes hiking in Runyon Canyon every morning then has a tofu scramble and orange juice from Le Pain Quotidien. Don't wear stripes with khakis or you'll look like your mom. Inclined pushups, with your hands on a weight bench, help you transition from girlie knee pushups to the real deal. Rachel Ray likes exercise because it makes her calmer "like, you know when your grocery bag breaks and you feel heartbroken?" Not so much anymore. Eat half a grapefruit with every meal and you'll lose 3 pounds in three months. Kebabs can be lean and mean meal-on-a-stick masterpieces. Want a summer date he'll dig? Firing range. If your gums are swollen, you might be pregnant. Cold lube on a hot body heightens skin sensitivity. Josh Holloway of Lost calls beer man juice. Black bean oat burgers are both succulent and bikini-friendly.
Media Filter
Women's Health's Latest Book Steals David Barton's Slogan
The editor-in-chief of Women's Health is out with a new book: Look Better Naked. First question, how they're going to avoid getting sued since "Look Better Naked" has been the David Barton Gym slogan since 1992. Next, you might imagine from the title that this is just your typical diet book, built on the premise that your ass is currently horrifying and something must be done to shrink, melt, blast, or tighten it. But no, the press release emphatically declares: "This is NOT your typical diet or nutrition book—Look Better Naked focuses equally on the mental and physical components of exuding confidence such as body image and the importance of self-esteem." I see. Whatever would have made me think otherwise? Maybe just the title. Also the cover. Also every verb on the book's promotional website. Just sayin.
Media Filter
Cardiac Surgeons Eat Turkey Sandwiches
What the mainstream fitness media desperately wants you to know today. Just FYI. ~ The Eds.
- According to Self, temporary tattoos are hot and legs are the new abs.
- You can look like Ivan Drago from Rocky IV if you sign up for the Commie Workout Program, says Muscle and Fitness.
- Yoga Journal follows Sadie Nardini to Toronto where she's drinking healing hot chocolate.
Summarizer
April Women's Health: Eat Roughage and Install a Double Shower Head
Don't eat too much selenium. Diet sodas can make your kidney function decline. Driving a convertible can damage your hearing. Kara DioGuardi of American Idol says food was her drug of choice in her 20s. Now she loves roughage. Don't be afraid of body oil. Dynamic warm up stretches, like jumping jacks, make your subsequent workout feel easier. Spring's erratic weather can make you grouchy. If you squeeze your thumb and the fleshy part of your palm, you'll feel better. If you breathe better, you'll probably lose weight. Crying is healthy. Write down your goals and you'll feel obligated to accomplish them. Eat your cereal out of a coffee mug to stop yourself from eating too much. Rapper and actor Common thinks women look sexy in boxer shorts. If you want to have more morning sex, you should install a double shower head. People who telecommute are more satisfied with their jobs. Yo-yo dieting is bad for your immune system. Ten percent of all women are divorced by age 30, and divorce is contagious in social groups. Dark pants make you look thinner. Other people hate it when you grunt while lifting weights.
Summarizer
He Should Take Out the Trash, She Should Moan Like a Spider
March 2010, Men's Health vs. Women's Health.
MH: Ads for cars, blocky red and black font. WH: Ads for engagement rings, slim teal and black font. MH: Is there a flirting technique that actually works? WH: My boyfriend has slept with tons of girls. How do I get over it? MH: Oysters are protein-rich, which makes them the perfect appetizer. WH: Dairy makes you lose abdominal fat. MH: Girls like it when you hold the door. WH: Looking at a photo of your honey's face can reduce physical pain. MH: If you have a long face, you should have a short beard. WH: If you have a toned back you should wear backless dresses. MH: When it's rainy, wear Ecco boots. WH: Calvin Klein makes hoodies for gym rats. MH: Paul Walker surfs. WH: Paula Patton does Ashtanga yoga. MH: Pork Chile Verde is a Healthy Winter Warmer. WH: Have a smoothie for breakfast if you want to look good on your date tonight.
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