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Cringe-Inducing Cover Lines From This Month's Lady Fitness Mags
My desk is currently piled high with this month's fitness magazines. From the covers of Self, Shape, and Women's Health, I now present to you a few cover lines I glossed over without blinking, until I tried to read them aloud, at which point I suffered pangs of crippling embarrassment. Try it right now. You'll see.
- Sexy Abs & Butt! Tighten Your Tummy and Firm Your Tush (Women's Health)
- Flat-Belly Power Snacks. New & Tasty! (Women's Health)
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The Kristen Bell Challenge Not Crazy At All
This month's Shape features my favorite cutie Kristen Bell on the cover with the headline "Take the Kristen Bell Challenge." Intriguing, though I was a bit nervous since all the other headlines on the cover were "shrink" and "burn" and "slim" and "blast" related. But lo and behold, turns out the Kristen Bell Challenge is actually quite lovely and in no way related to self-loathing or blasting your body into oblivion. It's 30 days, with one feel-good assignment for each day (some are less "one day" than others, but that's the gist). The assignments:
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September Women's Health: Brooklyn Decker Is Definitely Coming On To Me
My Men's Health and Women's Health magazines both arrived this morning. I got them mixed up because Brooklyn Decker is definitely giving a come hither look on one cover, which I figured just had to be for Men's Health. Nope. It's WH. Apparently, she wants to have sex with me, a heterosexual woman. Which is kind of weirding me out and kind of turning me on. I mean, I'm flattered, Brooklyn. Thank you. Other ladies inside WH are also totally coming on to me. For the "Find a Lighter Fall Fragrance" article, there's a reclining gal in sexy underwear rubbing a perfume bottle cap all over her bosom. Also of note, WH's Sex+Love column for the month is called "Kissing: The Advanced Course," which I thought was a patented Cosmo title, but apparently not. All the "racy" tips after the jump.
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August's Shape: Hula Hoops and Compression Suits
For the minimum number of calories you should eat a day, multiply your goal weight by 10. Marisa Tomei hoops for 20 minutes in the morning just to get her blood flowing. Eat lean beef and leafy greens to help fight dandruff. You should gently exfoliate every day. Say "yes" to cheese and you'll have better sex tonight. If you eat an Uno's personal deep dish cheese pizza, you'll have to jump rope for three hours to burn it off. If you sleep in a compression suit, your muscles will repair faster. Ashley Greene (Alice from Twilight) does martial arts (and looks significantly paler than she did in Women's Health). Goat's milk ice cream has one-third the fat and half the calories of cow's milk ice cream. Take your vitamin D supplements with a meal for better absorption. Olympian Dara Torres switched from heavy weights to doing everything on a Bosu or stability ball and says it completely changed her body. If you're in your 20s, you should eat lots of almonds, parmesan cheese, apples, lentils, and shrimp. 30's: broccoli and dark chocolate. 40s: mushrooms and sardines. If you're not wearing stripes this summer, you're missing out.
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August's Self: The Secrets Behind the Secrets
Self's cover headlines decoded:
- 105 New Sexy Body Secrets. Secrets include working out with a pool noodle, confronting your fears, working out at least 2.5 times a week, not smoking, and sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night.
- Tom Brady, Gisele & Me: Bridge Moynahan's Happy-Life Lessons. Find the positive, be healthy since it makes you happier, don't bitch, and if the paparazzi would like to take pictures of you, do your best to avoid them.
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Direct Quotes From this Month's Men's Health
- "When I took off my shirt, all the girls were, like, "Oh, look at your abs!' And I was, like, 'Yeah!'" — Kellan Lutz, aka the other vampire guy from the Twilight movies.
- "Snap a close-up of a small area of your body, your flexed thigh, your ribs, anything with some definition. Send it to your girl with the message 'name this curve.'"
- "Look yourself in the eye in the morning and ask yourself how much time and talent you've wasted."
- "Don't drink from a hose — it's germy....the hoses's end may have rested in animal poop."
- "Don't zigzag. The bee can follow your scent and zigzagging makes for a lot of running but not a lot of distance."
- "Surprise your partner by giving her a new beach cover-up....If you give, you can remove."
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July Shape: Jewel, Jackie Warner, and Lady Gaga Dish Health Advice
Beware of sneaky diet saboteurs like barbecue sauce. The average woman weights herself 6,000 times in her lifetime. Music releases endorphins and improves your blood flow. After an article called Jewel the chubby Renee Zellweger she felt so bad she ate a whole cake. Now, she watches Glee on her iPod while she works out and is much happier. Make this your sexiest summer yet with Chocolate Sun sugar beet tanner. Gardening fends off depression. If you eat an Applebee's Chicken Caesar Salad, you'll have to surf for five hours to work it off. Cut your workouts in half and still lose 10 pounds this month with Jackie Warner's fat-torching cardio routine ("fat-torching" equals intervals plus resistance). Olive oil makes you more fertile. Lady Gaga eats frittatas for breakfast.
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June's Shape: Trade Brownies for Bosu Balls
A woman's butt is her sexiest body part, according to 40% of guys. Kim Kardashian was 10 when she stared developing breasts. "I remember crying in the bathtub. I took a washcloth, made it really hot, put it over my chest, and prayed, 'please don't let them grown any bigger!'" Neutrogena Ultimate Sport Sunblock Spray SPF 85 is the best sunscreen for athletes. Beer contains more silicon, a mineral that safeguards bones, than fruits and vegetables. If you think exercise makes you happy, you'll work out a lot more than if you just think it makes you healthy. Three Musketeers Truffle Crisp bars have 90 fewer calories than the original Three Musketeers bars. Office brownies are making you fat. Solution: Hearty breakfast at home and packing protein filled mini-meals with you to work. One leg squats and dips on a bosu ball make quick work of jiggly spots so you can be slim and sleek in no time. Burpees and walking lunges will banish dimples in just four weeks. Fight cellulite at every meal by eating fruit and veggies first, then the protein, then the carbs. When Victoria's Secret model Allesandra Ambrosio feels puffy, she drinks watermelon juice.
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June's Women's Health: Beware, Firing Ranges Can Lead to Swollen Gums
The pool is your ticket to a hot body. The sun doesn't love you back. Coffee can help ward off exercise-induced asthma. High-altitudes can reduce your feelings of hunger. Onion extract reduces stretch marks. Lea Michele from Glee goes hiking in Runyon Canyon every morning then has a tofu scramble and orange juice from Le Pain Quotidien. Don't wear stripes with khakis or you'll look like your mom. Inclined pushups, with your hands on a weight bench, help you transition from girlie knee pushups to the real deal. Rachel Ray likes exercise because it makes her calmer "like, you know when your grocery bag breaks and you feel heartbroken?" Not so much anymore. Eat half a grapefruit with every meal and you'll lose 3 pounds in three months. Kebabs can be lean and mean meal-on-a-stick masterpieces. Want a summer date he'll dig? Firing range. If your gums are swollen, you might be pregnant. Cold lube on a hot body heightens skin sensitivity. Josh Holloway of Lost calls beer man juice. Black bean oat burgers are both succulent and bikini-friendly.
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June's Men's Health: Some People are "Tasters"
Having sex just twice a week can boost your immune system by 30% Cut your drinking calories in half and you can lose 23 pounds of sugar-inflated flab this year. Cantaloupes, honeydew, and watermelon will help you stay regular. Kettlebell snatches burn 20 calories a minute. Josh Holloway of Lost says "I taste everythng. I even tasted the cream on my daughter when she came out of the womb. I am a taster." Building a big sandcastle at the beach is a good way to pick up women. The S-Works Epic Carbon Disc bike is the best bike for bombing down hills. You can teach your dog to fetch a beer. Your endocrine systems is "like your body's internal internet" and when your hormones are whack, the internet gets messed up. Soccer player Tim Howard rows in the off-season to work his core. A single Smoothie King Peanut Butter Power Smoothie has 1,498 calories and is the equivalent of 21 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, so never have one for breakfast again. If you're a suburban cowboy in the saddle of your toro lawn mower, with a six-shooter of pesticide at your side, you could be poisoning yourself. Use unscented, flavorless lip balm every night before bed.