Personal Stories

Von Hottie On Physique 57, Pre-Natal Yoga, and Her Trainer's Girlfriend

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Yesterday was an epic fitness day, in three parts. Get cozy, it's a big story...

I took a morning Physique 57 class with a lady friend. I've always been curious about just what kind of workout Kelly Ripa is doing! It was a pretty intense toning workout, lots of jiggling, squatting, and thrusting of things while on your tippy toes. I was in an intermediate class, so I felt like an impostor floppy fish floundering in a sea of lithe Lululemon dolphins.

My muscles were burning, but I was also still sore from the previous day's workout with Buffin. When you take your first class, you get a second one for free, so I'll definitely go again. If I were to go regularly, I'd have to invest in a lot of Lululemon clothing, and I'm in a fight with Lululemon for not offering bigger sizes, so that's not going to happen. Something tells me I can't wear my tutu or leopard leggings to P57. Also, I was hoping the bathrooms would have gold plaques that said, "Kelly Ripa pees here," but instead there were a lot of inspirational quotes about strength and empowerment. I appreciate that the philosophical emphasis is on strength, empowerment, and working past your limits, but let's be real, we were all there to get Kelly Ripa's butt.

My butt, however, was not sore today like it is after I work out with Buffin. That's okay. I'll take Buffin's butt, and Kelly Ripa can keep her butt, and we'll both be fine.

II.

I fell into an internet stalking rabbit hole, and found Buffin's girlfriend's blog, Twitter and Instagram, which is all about exercising and not eating soy. Her Instagram feed is full of pictures of making out with Buffin (My eyes! My eyes! I'm blind!) and pictures of Buffin without a shirt sleeping next to a dog (Thank you, Jesus, I can see again!). I'm part of this wild text message chain between Buffin, his girlfriend, and another client, so I felt that I had to come clean about my stalking, but then Buffin's girlfriend found ME on Twitter, and Instagram, and everywhere else, and retweeted everything I've ever said about Buffin. MORTIFYING! TOTALLY BUSTED!

What is the polite way to say, "Sorry I've been perving out on your boyfriend and giving the allusion that we are involved in a deeply passionate fitness-based affair for the past two years?" Is there a SomeECard for that? The upside is that we are now super BFF, and she doesn't seem to mind my blatant objectifying of her man. But still...it's like having your crush find the note you wrote about him in class, in code, but not very good code.

III.

I was so wound up from this big reveal of Buffin's lady's internet life, I had to go to Yoga Vida. The class was taught by Cat, who also teaches pre-natal yoga. Since I was already in full confessional mode, I blurted out at check-in that it was my dream to take pre-natal yoga with her. I don't know why but I've always wanted to sit in a yoga room full of pregnant women. Maybe it's because I like to rub my belly. I was hoping Cat would say, "No need to be pregnant, come anyway!" Instead, she laughed and said as soon as I was pregnant, I was welcome. Isn't that discrimination????

Thankfully, class started before I could further embarrass myself with an awkward explanation of my current love life. Anyway, class was wonderful. And, now that Buffin is regularly populating my Instagram feed, maybe his bare pecs will virtually impregnate me and I can finally go to a damn pre-natal class.