Naked Power
The Goldman Sachs Steam Room: Where the Big Deals Don't Happen
- Free Clothes! (Via our sources.)
According to the old trope, all the important business happens in the locker room. That's where the boys hang out, steaming away half naked, with endorphins jangling, ready to commit serious capital. Well, if there's still any truth to the saying in this era of co-ed executive teams, private trainers and home gyms, then you might wonder which locker room today attracts the big swinging, um, power brokers. The Racquet and Tennis Club on Park Avenue, you say? Too obscurely WASPy. The Reebok Sports Club in midtown? All media glitz, no real capital. David Barton Chelsea? Come on, the Gays are not yet that powerful. What's that leave? Well, how about the new 54,000 square foot gym at 200 West Street, i.e. the in-house gym deep inside the worldwide headquarters of Goldman Sachs?
After a few months of sleuthing, our sources finally penetrated the inner sanctum of the most powerful bank on the planet. They attempted to blend in, while scanning the joint for unrepentant derivatives traders pumping themselves up with kettlebells to sell short some small European country. They examined the spin studio for signs of German electronica and thrash metal, and they spent long hours in the steam room waiting to hear something worthy of mention. The upshot?
Ho hum. What you'll find in the Goldman Sachs gym is dimmish lighting, bland carpets, and endless rows of cardio machinery, either deserted, or operated by Goldman Sachs analysts clad in blue, company-issued Russell Athletic t-shirts and gray shorts (50% poly!) Far from cigars and bourbon by the lockers, the feeling is much more Courtyard by Marriott. In fact, the gym is outsourced to a company called Plus One Health Management, which has quietly snapped up the "private label" gym business for a number of very high end New York clients, including Goldman and ubber law firms Milbank Tweed and Sullivan and Cromwell. Yes, it's "concierge" service at it's best and blandest: The place is spotless, and there are Plus One "advisors" posted at regular intervals around the gym to help Goldman Sachs personnel master the complex television settings on their treadmills. It's the sort of place that makes you yearn for a CrossFit garage, and by far the most interesting conversation going on is the bickering in Yorùbá among the West African men mopping the floors.
From what we've learned, we're going to go out on a limb and say that major deals are not happening in the Goldman Sachs gym. For one thing, there are surveillance monitors everywhere, and, for another, the vibe is much more index mutual fund than leveraged buyout.
So, our search for the world's most powerful locker room continues. Your suggestions or submissions welcome....
THE GOLDMAN SPIN STUDIO. EMPTY SAVE FOR CLEANING CREW.
THE GOLDMAN CUBBY ROOM. HAS A CERTAIN M. C. ESCHER QUALITY TO IT.
THE VIEW AT NIGHT FROM YOUR TREADMILL....
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GAWKER picked up this story!!
Submitted by michlny on 08.12.10 at 09:15.
GAWKER picked up this story!!
http://gawker.com/5610868/the-search-for-the-worlds-most-powerful-locker...
Submitted by michlny on 08.12.10 at 09:16.
Further intel! (Really just basic facts that we forgot to include in the main post.) The Goldman gym actually has a punny name. It's called the "Goldman Sachs Fitness Exchange." Ha ha ha ha! Right, but here's the best thing: The Goldman gym's pricing model. Now you might think a company that generated $13 billion in profits last year in the face of a worldwide recession might, say, give away gym memberships to its overworked staff. C'mon, don't be such a communist! Everything must have a fair price to make the market work. OK, so Goldman people pay for their gym, BUT you'll be pleased to know that there is at least a sliding scale for monthly gym membership fees, as follows:
Where to begin with this? First, this would seem to suggest that there are only three relevant levels of hierarchy within the Goldman empire. Yay FLAT bureauracy-free management structures! Or perhaps BOO extreme concentration of wealth at the top! But the really wonderful thing is the huge $57 break that Goldman Vice Presidents get on their gym fees vs. the "MDs." Look, an MD might make $20 million a year and have several hundred million in Goldman stock, and so he or she can afford that extra $684 a year. But a poor vice president is probably only making a few million a year, and those savings go directly to the outrageous cost of private schools on the upper east side. Hurray for progressive sliding scales!
Submitted by Hopkins R. on 08.12.10 at 09:54.