You Wrote We Like
On the Conversations Women Have
- Talking (via Ed Yourdon)
“I need to lose 10 lbs by my birthday. So I’m started going to the gym every day and cut down to 1200 calories.”
“You can get the burrito bowl and it’s not so bad…but only if you don’t add any of the good stuff…and what’s the fun in that?!”
“I have 5 points left for the day…these weight watcher cookies only have 2!”
“I really want a cookie. Don’t let me have one.”
A tremendous amount of conversation, I think especially among women, revolves around eating. About how “good” or “bad” this food is…about “wanting” or “needing” to lose weight…about ways to do it…about quick fixes…about “cheating”…about “indulging”…about those “last” 5 or 10 or 20 lbs that will make life perfect. There is a sense of community that derives from these conversations: we’re all part of the same camp; we all have the same issues and struggles. We commiserate about them and then we talk each other up and down (depending on where we are ourselves that day).
I definitely took part in these exchanges, and a lot of times (even if you don’t know someone too well) this is a topic of conversation that most women feel comfortable with and can easily relate to one another on. However, lately, I’ve been feeling very much out of my comfort zone when these comments begin. Why? Well, I don’t want to encourage the guilt and shame and struggles that women have come to assimilate as part of these interactions. At this point, I also don’t agree with most of the stuff I hear during these convos – I don’t believe in limiting your calories. I don’t believe that it should be a struggle. I don’t believe you should force yourself to work out if you’re body says no. I don’t think that the “bad” food is the “fun” food. I don’t think that I should feel guilty if I have a cookie.
In a way, it’s made me feel a bit like an outsider in some social situations. If you have a few women commiserating about how they need to lose weight, and then you’re the only one who doesn’t get dragged into that conversation…what can you really say? Or, when someone whole-heartedly believes that the low-fat, no-sugar processed cookies are better for you than a couple pieces of fruit and some nuts because of all the “sugar and fat in them”…where do you even begin to have a conversation about those misguided views?
For a long time now, I’ve been researching any and everything related to nutrition, eating, dieting, food policy, and exercise - devouring books, skimming newsletters for the newest products and research, keeping on top of websites and blogs, watching TV shows and documentaries. I started with the most mainstream programs and products and, as I realized the problems with those approaches, I delved into more alternative approaches. It’s truly my obsession and passion. The more I learn and understand this topic, the more I’m coming to see how seriously flawed conventional wisdom actually is and how it’s perpetuating the health issues, and at least as importantly, the detrimental psychological framework within which people see this part of their world. It’s frustrating, because I want to tell people about the other side of the story – but the disconnect is so huge.
I’m still figuring things out for myself. That’s clear. But, in the meantime, I’ll try to interject myself into these conversations more and not pull into the background for fear of alienating someone. After all, you have to start somewhere, no?
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Its soooo hard to be part of that conversation without being the crazy preachy lady.
and no one wants to be her.
sometimes I just throw out one small fact or figure, just to get people thinking.
Submitted by sandyliz on 03.29.10 at 11:57.
Great post, msh!
My way of taking the lead on this is to sometimes ask whether the person eating the low-fat, high processed cookie has read the food label and actually knows what all the ingredients are and/or can pronounce them. I try this with my husband sometimes too when it comes to things like ice cream, but he usually responds with joking "No! No! No! Don't spoil the fun!" Pointing out the ingredients has changed his attitude toward things like soda, however-- now when he wants a soda, he isn't buying coke, he's buying an organic ginger ale with actual ginger and sugar instead of HFCS (hey, every step counts). I know this tactic of mine can sometimes make me Ms. Preachy-McKnowitall, but I honestly have stopped caring when it comes to friends and family-- part of being a friend is expressing that you care about their health, while also respecting their right to choose. Little nudges make a difference, I've found.
I've also had some luck re: the fruits and nuts conversation with people who have observed me eating nuts in the office. They are my go to snack, and I keep a big pack of raw almonds in my desk drawer. Folks may think I'm a squirrel, but it's a good talking point.
(As for your career choices: holistic nutritionist, anyone????) SMILE.
Submitted by joesgirl on 03.29.10 at 01:15.
I hear you! For me, I just follow my beliefs and don't say much. it's hard sometimes, but after awhile, people began asking me about my health beliefs because they admired my choices and discipline. So I guess, if you just do your thing people will begin to notice. Alas..
Submitted by Kaitlyn on 03.29.10 at 01:02.
low fat diet = hungry all the time...not my bag, baby. i also struggle with whether to say anything or just keep my mouth shut. i've been doing better with the keep my mouth shut thing. like when my grandma buys clif bars and i want to tell her the first ingredient is brown rice syrup.
Submitted by syrupandhoney on 03.29.10 at 01:32.
These conversations seem less about nutrition and health and more a symptom of applying morality to how people commodify food.
For example, "I need to lose weight" is an extraordinarily complex statement. "Weight" is specific to the individual, but an intagible to commodify. "Need" represents an underscored imperative that is too often underplayed... people can casually talk about how they "need" to lose weight without realizing its impications. Someone can want to lose 10 lbs to fit into smaller jeans, but losing 10 lbs doesn't necessarily mean you can fit into smaller jeans, or doesn't mean you'll even like how you look in said jeans. It's too amiguous.
It only gets hairier after that. "I" raises questions about the self: "I" is both the person who wants to lose weight, but also the person someone will become when they lose that weight. Following that, "lose" because terrifying: "I" needs to shed (at least part) of itself to become itself--something that's nearly impossible to begin with.
What's more, as you pointed out, these conversations are so indoctrinated, so inextricably tied up in how we think of ourselves, I bet it's more difficult to change religions than it is to change these perspectives!
The morality comes into play because people feel like they can't be themselves, they're often punishing themselves for being, well, themselves. It's sick, abusive behavior, a cycle of dependence, reward, punishment, and addiction that people readily defend and support because they can't recognize it as something bad.
I could go on, but I'm rambling anyway. My bad.
Submitted by Mr. Mohawk on 03.29.10 at 01:37.
'hawk: you make a great point -- a lot of it definitely all has come down to morality. there is so much judgment about "good" and "bad" attached to decisions about eating. food and eating are not just that...they've become battle grounds. there's nothing natural and neutral about eating anymore - whatever choice you make is emotionally tinted in some way.
Submitted by msh258 on 03.29.10 at 01:52.
It's really crazy. "Fat free" labels on food are more addicting than heroine. Same for "Natural," "Organic," "Sugar Free," etc. It doesn't matter that it's all shit anyway. When are we writing our book? We should start a food philosophy movement.
Submitted by Mr. Mohawk on 03.29.10 at 01:58.
talking about dieting is the most boring conversation ever. it makes me gouge my eyes out and order another cocktail
Submitted by vonhottie on 03.29.10 at 01:59.
so today i had the perfect example of how not to do this.
my office just installed a new snack machine. 3 people standing around, waiting for someone to buy something. person 1 says "sandy, you be first!". I said that I won't be using it, because none of it is healthy. "What? that one is nature valley!" Yes, I explain, but that doesn't mean its good. good food is whole food, not food in plastic. "What? I'm an American, I like my food in plastic!"
So what does the ever tactful sandyliz say?
"Yes, and you're also fat."
So...don't do that people. Even though it just made this person laugh, it does not make the point.
Submitted by sandyliz on 03.29.10 at 02:00.
'hawk: i agree...we should do a brains storming session soon. seriously.
sandy: that's effing hilarious.
Submitted by msh258 on 03.29.10 at 02:01.
oh sandy - not very PC but your answer made me laugh out loud. Bless you.
Submitted by Butwhatifido on 03.29.10 at 02:19.
Eating whole foods... preparing them, slowing down enough to be thoughtful about what we consume, and learning what works for our particular chemistry and lifestyle is a creative act. Exercising and playing - as an integral part of our everyday lives - is a creative act. It takes a lot more work to do that, than stuffing something quick into ourselves. It's also antithetical to the alienated and commodified world we live in.
Human beings, as a species, have lost our collective ability to perform creatively in our everyday lives - to live our lives as creative acts. How and what we consume is a huge example (albeit not the only one) and profoundly affects us. Living an uncreative, undeveloping life affects us physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Morality... good vs. evil... right and wrong... good and bad... quick and easy... misinformation... demonization is so prevalent in our culture that it's oppressive - and it's a way that we are controlled to live our lives a certain way - but to who's benefit?
Submitted by kornflowers on 03.29.10 at 02:35.
I've watched both my parents eat crap to their deaths. One of my brothers is following them with his addiction to fast food and soda. I don't have any problem telling people off about their diets, or nagging my mother-in-law that she's poisoning herself. Obviously, for it, I'm not very popular. But I couldn't give a toss.
Submitted by volcane09 on 03.29.10 at 04:11.
lol above at sandy!
msh, i am so glad you opened a forum on this topic! i, too, feel kind of trapped when people start having these discussions, and i definitely agree about the whole morality aspect.
i get so much grief when i go home over my preference for more natural eating, for my belief that you should be able to eat how you want and not feel like a bad person for it. it's especially difficult when people in my family have lost weight in really unnatural ways (dietary supplements, missing meals, doing everything you shouldn't do). they look at me and say, "Well you wouldn't still be overweight if you'd join us on fad diet x or supplement plan y." the thing is, i lost 40 lbs by just switching from bad food to more "natural" food (fruits/veggies/whole grains, etc)
on the other hand, i still catch myself self-flagellating over how i was "Bad" today. i'm so glad you brought this up to help me put things back in perspective!
Submitted by moniq68 on 03.29.10 at 07:37.
lol above at sandy!
msh, i am so glad you opened a forum on this topic! i, too, feel kind of trapped when people start having these discussions, and i definitely agree about the whole morality aspect.
i get so much grief when i go home over my preference for more natural eating, for my belief that you should be able to eat how you want and not feel like a bad person for it. it's especially difficult when people in my family have lost weight in really unnatural ways (dietary supplements, missing meals, doing everything you shouldn't do). they look at me and say, "Well you wouldn't still be overweight if you'd join us on fad diet x or supplement plan y." the thing is, i lost 40 lbs by just switching from bad food to more "natural" food (fruits/veggies/whole grains, etc)
on the other hand, i still catch myself self-flagellating over how i was "Bad" today. i'm so glad you brought this up to help me put things back in perspective!
Submitted by moniq68 on 03.29.10 at 07:37.
@ moniq: the "self-flaggelating" is something i do too...much more in the past than now, but i still have days where i'm really hard on myself. i'm not sure when i learned to be more gentle with myself, but it's definitely been a long process.
i think, with time, just knowing that i'm doing what's right for my body and mind has made it easier to accept that sometimes the process involves two steps forward and another step back. i can't demand perfection - it's not realistic. once i came to terms with that, and began to achieve a balance that's maintainable, that's when i was able to shed the guilt that inevitably came with "bad" choices. now there are no bad choices...i just look at it all as a journey. and i know i'm on the path i want to be on. i also know that it won't all happen today or tomorrow...but by moving in the direction i want to move in even just 51% of the time...i know i'll get there.
Submitted by msh258 on 03.29.10 at 10:40.