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Two Weeks With a Stash of Jillian Michaels in My Purse

Jillian's Pills (via jillianweightloss)

I hear "diet pills," and I think afterschool specials and Karen Carpenter tragedies. So when Jillian Michael's PR folks sent us a sample of Jillian's new "14 Day Cleanse & Burn" pills, I stashed them in a drawer, which I was then afraid to open. But then, for the sake of SW labs, I reached into that dark drawer... 

Some of you may recall that love makes you fat, and since I've been afflicted by affection for more than a few months now, the New Year kicked off a new effort to reign it in (the fat, not the love). What I'm saying is I've been trying to lose a little weight for about three weeks now. And after deciding that despite the scary purple packaging Jillian's pills were mostly ginger, garlic, dandelion and other ingredients unlikely to send me to the hospital, two weeks of this diet have now been chemically aided. Here's my official report:

• Week one: Just me, with lots of broccoli and yams and working out plus no french fries or dessert. Felt good. Lost two pounds. 
• Week two: Same diet and exercise as week one, plus Jillian's "Triple Process Total Body Detox and Cleanse" pills morning and night. Things made their way through my system quite speedily. Felt good. Lost two pounds. 
• Week three: This is where things get scary. Week two of Jillian's two-week package has you taking a "Probiotic Replenishment" pill to replace all the good stuff you flushed out in week one. That's fine. But it also has you taking "Maximum Strength Fat Burner" pills, which come in a terrifying red bottle wrapped with a photos of Jillian pointing accusingly at you. It's the sort of bottle you'd be ashamed to be found with. (I spent the weekend visiting my best friend and kept my Fat Burner bottle hidden away till she was in the shower). And the label isn't the only scary part. They're packed with caffeine. Dr. Katie advised me not to take them. But I did. And I've been taking them for four days now. The result is that I feel jittery and sleepless, and I'm hungry but nothing sounds good, which is sort of the worst of all worlds. I weighed in this morning, and I haven't lost a pound. Even if I had it wouldn't be worth it. 

I'm cutting the experiment short. Probiotics, yes. Broccoli and yams, yes. Ginger root detox pills, maybe. Fat Burners, never again.